After struggling with depression and having it worsen over the past month the cravings for self mutilation were occurring too often.
Coming as close as I did to suicide twice in the past week was really what made me realize I need the medication.
I wasn’t feeling highs and lows like I had when I was younger.
I thought I was depressed then, but I was just sad and angry.
I stopped feeling any emotion.
Everything just felt blank.
I just didn’t care about anything and everything present was just a slap in the face.
I’m starting to not be able to face it anymore. I can’t smile and push through it all the time. I just can’t.
I stopped feeling hungry. I would feel dizzy and faint, my stomach would growl, but I was not hungry. I forced myself to eat. I never felt full so i just kept eating. I just felt nauseous and disgusted with myself.
I’m not even craving cigarettes. I don’t want them.
Even running and working out hasn’t helped. I didn’t feel the endorphine highs. Being in the sun didn’t help, regulating my sleep didn’t help, eating healthy didn’t help, making money didn’t help, having sex didn’t help, giving didn’t help, drinking didn’t help, two years sober didn’t help, cutting isn’t going to help. Nothing has helped. Nothing was helping.
Laying in the bathtub listening to my heart pound I was ready to spill my blood when my mom came in claiming she knew something was going wrong.
The only reason I’m not dead is because I know how much it would hurt her.
Still, living like this is so pointless.
I need to take those pills.
I need to take them to have the will to live.
But Im so afraid of drugs that I’m too afraid to take them.
In oder to conquer depression and suicidal thoughts I have to conquer anxiety enough to take the pills.
I’m just to afraid to take them.
Without them though I want to die.
And I have no one to support me or hold my hand through it.
What am I supposed to do?
Talk therapy doesn’t start until next week.
I dont know if I can make it until then.
